On my art: I have come to realize that I want my art to have consciousness - sorry that is put in the worst way possible. Rather, I'd like my art to evoke that feeling of consciousness. That is to say, this holiness or spiritual feeling that we get when we're having a revelation, or panic attack or de ja vous. This elevation what people can feel like when they experience God.
I need to make my own name for it...
For me, it is infinity. I suppose infinite consciousness. But that has too much baggage... I don't know, the name will come later.
But when Dr. Sacks was talking about this "double consciousness" that people can get, I really felt the connection. And it feels real. Like time in addition to the time that is literally there.
I know this is a very very high expectation and initiative for my work and myself, but this is so important to me.
This feeling is what I live for. When you remember a memory and it feels so real. Or look into the sky and realize that it's immeasurable and that you too are immeasurable, but relatively so much smaller. Or you hear that chord of a song, embedded with memory, but also the technical notes that are being played, that minor to major change, changing something in yourself. Old home videos - to hear voices from your past preserved. To hear your own voice and not to recognize it. To not even remember that that moment happened but to be give that moment in an image. To be reminded, to remind your neurons of a certain neuronal path. To replay it. To smell your childhood. Dreams.
This is what I want to do. I want my art to be that smell, that home video, that epiphanic pre-seizure lull, that voice, that infinity. Realness. (freewrite in journal on 6/10/08)
I'm currently working on an animation, there should be a post up this upcoming week with my progress in that.
Last week I was in London. I went to the Tate Modern, and saw a Rothko exhibition. Here are some thoughts:
"If people want sacred experiences they will find them here. If they want profane experiences they'll find them too. I take no sides." - Rothko
The feeling as if you are praying or wishing as a child and you truly believe that something will happen. The feeling is in a similar spot as when you are moved to tears but cannot cry and you're forced to hold it in this spot in your chest up to your throat.
But this is a transition moment; a feeling of the instant before being moved.
I am in a sanctuary. I am most in myself and am myself.
Why I am moved: (list)
-the effortless subtlety
-the depth of it (the color, the color against color)
I am being pulled out of myself into myself, forward, the painting literally moving me into it. The feeling is caused by holding on.
The subtle violet reflection of me in a Rothko.
They are beyond the landscape.
As if standing before some holy alter.
This. This is what I'll do with my life. (response to exhibit on 10/10/08)
I will update more frequently. A lot is going on. A lot of thinking happening. A lot of art is being made. A lot of change. More images soon.